Bittersweet Letters

I made my decision. Staring at my packed duffel bag, I wiped away the last few drops of tears from my face and told myself to get a grip, because this is what I wanted. After several weeks of contemplation and several drafts I finally finished my last letter to Annabelle. It seemed like just yesterday I was writing my first letter to her, but that was four years ago. I knew this would be better for both of us in the end, or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

I glanced at my watch. I was fifteen minutes late.

I quickly grabbed my two travel books, map of Europe, wallet, keys, umbrella, and my letter addressed to Annabelle off my desk, stuffing them into my shoulder bag before leaving my studio apartment.

Walking to the local café, about four blocks away, I noticed the sun was nowhere to be found amongst the thick clouds that loomed over me threatening rain. The turning color of the leaves provided some beauty in contrast to the grey world I was currently in. This was Annabelle’s favorite season. It was the beginning of November during out first year of college when she told me so. She loved the smell of the rain on the asphalt and would often ask me to take long walks with her when she visited. We would end up getting soaked by the pouring rain, that we’d race back to my apartment to dry off and spend the rest of the night drinking hot apple cider by the fireplace. We would trade stories all night long catching up on all the times we missed while we were apart. However, this season I knew would not be like the others.

“Christian!” The sound of my name pulled me back to reality and I realized I was in sight of the café. I could see Leland waving me over.

“I thought you were bailing on me man, what took you so long?” he asked as soon as I was in hearing distance.

“Sorry, lost track of time. Let’s get something warm to drink,” I suggested already holding the door open for us.

“It better be on you since you kept me waiting,” he said half serious, half jokingly.

I playfully punched him before ordering us both black coffees and croissants. Grabbing the table near the window we unpacked our bags until our table was littered with annotated travel books and highlighted routes on maps. For the past three weeks we had been meeting to plan our backpacking trip across Europe. It was something we both wanted to do and since we had just graduated we figured it was the perfect time to go before we landed long term jobs.

“Alright so our route is highlighted on this map,” he said picking up where we had left off from our previous meeting “and the red dots are the hostels that we’ll be staying in,” he explained pointing to them on his map.

I nodded approvingly. “I got the airline prices to London, how soon do you want to leave?” I asked Leland who was in mid-bite of his croissant. I pulled out a post-it note with the pricings and dates of departure from one of my books and handed it to him.

“You listed tomorrow night as one of the options?” His face was full of surprise and excitement although mixed with confusion since we had planned the trip for next month. “What about Annabelle? Is she okay with that? We’ll be gone for a while.”

I avoided his eyes and took a sip of my coffee. “Yeah, she’ll be fine”.

I must not have been convincing because after a few moments of silence, he gently asked, “Are you sure that’s what you want?” completely seeing into my façade.

I could feel the guilt crashing down on me as my decision was laid out in the open, “I don’t want to… but I have to,” I said hoping he’d understand and drop it.

Instead, he shook his head showing me his disapproval, “Our sophomore year of high school during Spring Break, you found a red piece of sea glass in the shape of a heart and said that the girl you gave it to would be the one you couldn’t live without-”.

I knew where he was going with this and I couldn’t bear to hear it. I started packing my things hoping he would get the hint.

Yet he still continued, “You played it off jokingly at the time, but I knew you meant it Christian. Who did you-”.

I cut him off shaking my head, “I’ll book the tickets tonight and we’re leaving tomorrow, end of story,” I said forcefully before continuing, “You better be there, because I can’t do this without you.” It was a rash decision on my part, but knowing that Leland was up for anything considered adventurous, he would be there like a true friend. I turned to go but stopped at the sound of his voice.

“Don’t do it,” he warned. “I’m only saying this because I know you’re going to regret it once when we get on that plane,” he said in a solemn tone, confirming that he would be ready to leave the next day.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said quietly, hoping he heard me.

He gave a quick nod acknowledging that he did.

Once outside, I knew I had to send the letter on its way so I could be on mine.

Raindrops began to fall from the sky and upon hitting the roof of shops made harsh tinkling noises. I opened my umbrella to shield me from them as I noticed the drops coming down with more force and at a faster rate. I sped up my pace hoping I could make it to the post office and back to my apartment semi-dry.

It’s strange to think how close Annabelle and I had become and how soon we had grown apart. The signs were there no matter how much we tried to ignore it. Letters became less frequent, calls went straight to voicemail, and e-mails went unreturned. Life demanded different things of us, and with the letter that I held in my hand I finally accepted that.

Reaching my destination, I kissed the seal of the envelope and slipped it into the mailbox outside of the post office. The girl who I had loved would no longer be mine I realized.

Standing there I felt the weight of guilt slowly fading away. I took a few death breaths and waited to see if I would have an urge to stick my hand inside the blue box’s mouth to retrieve the letter, but I never did.

I turned back to the direction of my apartment but after a short distance memories of her slowly began to slip into my mind. I shrugged it off, and continued walking.

As I got farther away from the post office and closer to my apartment, images of her within my mind became vivid and more pronounced; soon enough her long dark-red hair flying in the wind, the sparkle of her bright green eyes, and the soft rose upon her cheeks filled my mind’s eye. I could almost smell the scent of cherry blossoms upon her skin and feel the fragileness of her hands laced in mine.

I gripped the umbrella in my right hand a bit tighter and stuck my left into the pocket of my jacket, trying to get a sense of my reality.

I could feel a large lump beginning to rise in my throat, but paid no attention to it.

Her whispered fears and dreams filled my ears underneath our makeshift tent of blankets in my living room floor that dark wintry night.

My eyes began to water so I blinked in protest.

I could see her jump and dance in the middle of her room as her favorite song came on. She tried to get me to dance along but we ended up collapsing onto her bed laughing at my horrendous dance moves.

“Just memories Christian. It’s in the past,” I told myself carefully putting one foot in front of the other to keep moving.

Her tear-stained face during our first fight scared me as I watched something beautiful break apart. Using my thumb I tried to softly wipe away the trail that her tears had left upon her cold cheeks.

The steady rain had now turned into a downpour, angrily hitting my umbrella. I could hear the impact that my feet made on the water and concrete.

She held on tight to my hand as my brother’s casket was buried six feet under. The year after, she decorated his grave with wild flowers.

“I can tell that she’s the one,” my brother once said.

As I passed the café signaling only four more blocks to my apartment, I felt a pull on my heart as a flash of light broke into the sky a distance away, soon after I could hear its thunderclap. Something was wrong. The leaves upon the trees that were filled with color only half an hour before, were now struggling to stand upright against the weight of the rain. Uncertainty bore through me.

I had to get that letter back.

As I spun around to the direction in which I came from, something red caught my eye in the middle of the street. The shape of it floating in the puddle struck me with familiarity. Completely drenched and cold, I walked toward it until the recognition registered in my mind.

“Will things change between us?” Her eyes were filled with worry.

I turned off the engine and got out of my car that was overflowing with numerous boxes that contained my belongings.

“Why would it?” I asked wrapping my arms around her trying to reassure that the summer meant more than fling.

She leaned into me, “People change and grow apart in college”. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear nervously.

I kissed her forehead. “That’s other people. Not us,” I told her affectionately.

She nodded and kissed me goodbye.

I got into my car and before leaving, promised to send her my love.

A week later she received my first letter along with this red piece of sea glass shaped in a heart that now laid connected to a silver chain in a puddle, in the middle of the street during a downpour twenty thousand miles away from where it belonged.

I bent down to pick it up and at that moment I swear I could hear her calling my name in that sweet flowered voice of hers.

__________

“I’m sorry honey, turns out we can’t make it to your showcase this year. Your sister’s senior practicum is being honored at the University so we thought we ought to show family support and be there for her during the awards banquet. Hope you understand. Love and miss you.”

Disappointment filled Annabelle’s heart after hearing the recorded message on her voicemail for the fifth time. Never will I ever be good enough for my parents when my little gifted sister is everything they could ever hope for in a daughter, she realized.

She stared at the pieces of clothing that littered her dorm room that took months to design and make. She had neglected everything important in her life to make them proud in this final showcase that could land her a place in the fashion industry.  She hoped that for this one moment her parents could see her love and passion amongst the bright lights of a runway and understand why she didn’t follow in their footsteps like her sister had. Yet, her efforts were futile and trivial without them there.

Hot tears fell from corners of her eyes and she didn’t bother to wipe them away. The tears ran their course along her cheeks as she let herself sink to the carpeted floor. Out of resentment she threw her cell phone against the wall and was satisfied as it fell into pieces. She pulled her knees into her chest and hugged them tightly then laid her head upon them. She tried to ease her breathing to cease the shallow breaths and closed her eyes until the exhaustion from crying slowly brought her to sleep.

She dreamt of familiar hazel eyes with messy dark brown hair. She and Christen sat on swings in the abandoned park where they had kissed for the first time. She tried to reach for his hand but somehow she couldn’t reach and the distance between them seemed to grow.

She opened her eyes and could tell by the darkness that filled the room that it was night or early morning. She quickly packed a duffel bag and headed to the airport, boarding the first flight that would take her to Christian. Rubbing the red heart-shaped sea glass that hung from her neck she silently thanked the heavens that he was one thing she could depend on in life.

She tried to remember her last visit and realized it was four months ago for his graduation when she took him out to dinner. Regretfully, their conversation consisted of her fall showcase. The seed of guilt planted itself in her heart and quickly grew. When was the last time she had checked her e-mail? How long ago did she send her last letter? When was the last time she returned his phone call? She asked herself over and over, realizing she had been selfish, solely focused on her project.

The rain drenched her instantly as she maneuvered her way through the crowd to the city bus after landing, but she didn’t mind. It seemed to wash all of her worries about her family and the fall showcase back home away. At that moment, she wanted to make up for the lost time instead, thinking of ways to surprise Christian.

She got off the bus at a stop four blocks away from his apartment. The weather had now become a downpour, and without an umbrella she would surely look like a wet dog knocking on Christian’s door. Across the street the local café caught her eye, tempting her with warmth and rest from her travels all morning. She crossed the street deciding she would dry off there and wait for the heavy rain to subside before continuing on her way.

“Annabelle!” a voice called surprising me.

She turned and saw Leland’s familiar face and made her way to his table beside the window and hugged him tightly. After letting her go, she saw that his face was filled with the utmost confusion.

She laughed at his surprise, “How are you?”

“Does Christian know you’re here?” he said stumbling over his words just as Annabelle had caught sight of Christian in the middle of the street where she had just come from.

“He will now.” She turned to the door but Leland grabbed her arm, stopping her.

His face seemed torn and unsure what to do. “Wait.”

Now it was her turn to be confused and she couldn’t understand why Leland was acting this way. She pulled her arm out of his grasp and went out the door.

Her heart began to beat loudly, threatening to leap out of her chest and into Christian’s arms. He was just passing the street, when he stopped abruptly. She could make out the shape of his face, the curve of his lips, and light in his eyes. The rain fell off his umbrella in steady streams like a curtain separating him from her.

She called out to him, hoping he would hear her through the thunder that began to stir above them. Instead something else caught his attention in the middle of the street. He bent over, reaching for it.

She tried again, calling his name louder. The café door closed behind her and she felt Leland standing beside her. Ignoring him, she stepped out into the street, but he pulled her back in a quick jerking motion. She pushed him away, but he held onto her tighter as he screamed something unintelligible towards the street.

She searched for Christian, but screeching metal against the pavement filled her ears and resonated within her bones. The roar of chaotic water hit her in every direction as she became frantic. Her eyes found the source of the noise. The car swerved trying to stop, but the water filled its tires. It seemed to gravitate toward Christian who was unaware of being in the middle of the scene.

Look at me! Annabelle pleaded hoping he could hear her screaming thoughts.

His head lifted as he grasped something in his free hand and righted himself. His hazel eyes caught her green eyes and he smiled almost regretfully.

In that moment, the boy Annabelle had loved would no longer be hers.

__________

Annabelle stood in her dorm room and it was just as she had left it. The scattered pieces of her showcase that would never been seen, mocked her of the time she could have spent with Christian. Her broken phone in pieces reminded her that she had yet to call her parents and she wondered whether they had tried calling he while she was away.

Her eyes were heavy and tired, but she was too afraid too sleep fearing memories or nightmares that could creep into her unconsciousness. She stared at the pile of mail on her desk, but only focused on the top letter. She wondered when he had sent it, and wondered what it would say. The familiar messy scrawl taunted her knowing it would be the last letter she would ever receive from him.

She began to torture herself with thoughts of hypothetical scenarios. If only she hadn’t visited he may still have been in her life. If only her necklace hadn’t fallen off, maybe he would have kept walking home. If only they never met, he wouldn’t have died, and she wouldn’t have the scene of his death running on repeat through her head.

She reached for the letter and kissed the back where his lips had been. Silent tears escaped the corner of her eyes. Using her letter opener, the seal tore in one swift movement piercing her already broken heart with its sound.